People should stop postponing business, running away from life
People often can not control their instincts. They are tormented, depressed, postponed, and abandoned. This is how months and years pass, but the situation does not change. How to stop saving your life for later? Live happily …
In front of me is a young girl. She is crying bitterly that everything in her life does not develop or develops the way she would like. There is not enough love and warmth in relations with people, difficult relationships with parents, there is no possibility to realize their own abilities and talents, there is NOTHING that would be interesting and meaningful for her! I look at her attentively and warmly:
– Do I understand correctly that your life, which you live, you do not like?
– Yes! She sniffs. “I do not like it at all!” – and again sobs.
“And when will you start living the way you want?” So, how do you like it? – I ask.
She pauses, her eyes dry out:
“I will have my own home, and then everything in my life will be different,” exclaims my client, rejoicing at the answer.
She looks at me, seeking in my face approval and confirmation that this difficult life problem is solved correctly. But I am silent. There’s no point in hiding frustration! Now I know that this client of mine also has a “deferred life syndrome”.
How many times have I heard such phrases from people dreaming about changes in their lives! Phrases in which real life should begin later, under certain conditions, and the present life, the one that a person lives on, is only a preparation for that, real! Some of the conditions of a new life depend on the person himself: “Now quit this job …”, “I’ll write a diploma …”, “I’ll earn a lot of money …”, “I’ll live separately …” In the second half of the case, the conditions for the beginning of a new life should provide others: partners, parents or relatives, and sometimes completely alien! people: “Here will stop drinking her husband …”, “Here is the son of the university …”, “Here will get married a daughter …”, “That’s going to leave the next apartment hated neighbors …”, “Here we move to another city …”
And the person lives, from year to year postponing for a while not just a new and interesting work, hobbies and hobbies, recreation and travel, but his own personal happiness and good mood. This can take several years, and sometimes even decades. As early as 20 and even in 30 years it seems that all the planned conditions are necessarily realized. Exactly! It is only worth a while to wait! But in 40 and 50 people are already beginning to understand that life is going on, and the long-awaited changes never come. A person falls into depression, falls ill with a severe incurable disease, runs away in dependence, tries to end his life. This is how the “neurosis of delayed life” manifests itself.
This term was invented by Doctor of Psychology Vladimir Serkin, author of the most interesting book “Laughter of the Shaman”. In his opinion, the main difference between a neurotic person and a normal person is that normal people solve problems, and the neurotic on the contrary – they constantly postpone, explaining why it needs to be done.
I remember how I once came to visit my friend. After the divorce, he was going to sell the apartment, because he decided to move out of this city. His wife left earlier and took almost all the things. The apartment was empty and neglected. It was clear that there was practically no repairs there. But the family with two children lived in this apartment for about 10 years! I went to the toilet and saw a terrible old broken seat on the toilet. It was so old that it was impossible to even guess its color! Cracked to the ground in several places, it was lovingly wrapped with scotch tape.
“Listen, Alexey, did she (I meant his ex-wife) take with her and the toilet seat?” – I asked, suspecting a poor woman in absolute mercantile spirit.
“No,” he answered easily. – This seat was here even when we bought this apartment from a granny.
– Ten years ago??? – I breathed out.
“Yes,” he answered again easily.
– And you took ten years to sit on this seat ?? – to my amazement there was no limit !!!
– Yes! So what? – it’s time to marvel at him. “After all, we were always going to leave this city.” Therefore, the repair did not do, and this cover did not change.
– But in fact the lid is worth a penny compared to your salary !!! Could not you have bought a new cover? I shouted again. Alexei only shrugged his shoulders in silence.
– Lyosh! After all, you are the whole family – you, wife, children! – sat on this seat for ten years! – I exclaimed, shocked by my sudden discovery.
Alexey was angry:
“I’m telling you that we were going to move.” How can you not understand ?!
I stopped arguing. The sight of this sad empty apartment told me that in this house, and hence in the family, there was little love, little joy, little happiness. Here lived only his constant expectation. Having missed the happiness, the family broke up …
What makes a person to postpone his life? From my point of view, there are at least two reasons to do this. The first reason is hidden in the life that man leads. In order for real life to be just a preparation for the one that is real, that one day it will be necessary to very strongly reject the existing one. Why can this happen? Each person in childhood and adolescence has an ideal image of his own life – how and where he will live, what he will feel, what to do, what to strive for, what his family and relationships will be like, what his home will be, what vital heights he will achieve, what will be his material prosperity, etc. And now the present comes. But it is not what it was in thoughts and dreams! His home is not or not what he wanted, the work is uninteresting and unpromising, the profession is unloved, the partner is not this and is not behaving as expected, the car is either not at all, or it is not the same brand …
It is possible to enumerate all the discrepancies for a long time with the expectations that we once dreamed of ourselves in childhood and adolescence. And the more such mismatches, the harder it is to perceive reality. Then a person wakes up in the morning and feels that he seems to live a strange life, not his own! His place is in another city, in another company, next to another person. The reality becomes intolerable! It is even harder to realize that you made the wrong choice – in the profession, in the partner, in the life strategy. And if you made a mistake, it means bad, stupid, wrong. How to live with this? If a person understands this, he has three ways, three possible solutions.
First, start changing your life. To change work, family, partner, profession, place of residence … But in order to start changes, we need determination, courage, support of friends and relatives. And fear keeps you down! Courage is not enough! Friends and relatives say: “Why do you need this? You are crazy! Everyone lives like this! What’s the most you need? “The insidious thoughts” Are you going to get it? “,” Will it get any worse? “,” Will I suddenly be left alone for the rest of my life? “,” Maybe a titmouse is better than a crane in the sky? “A person starts to look for other solutions.
The second possible solution is to abandon the changes. It means accepting the life that you live. Agree that you are not satisfied with life with this partner, but you stay with him FOREVER. Agree that the loser, and will NEVER achieve success. Agree that you will NEVER be happy. To admit this is unbearably painful! Is it possible to sustain such heartache? Such a flour? Such suffering? Probably, it is possible. If in these sufferings there is a high meaning: love, faith, great idea. And if not? And the man again goes in search of a solution.
Thirdly, the changes can be postponed. A person does not seem to refuse to change everything in his life for the better. On the contrary, he wants changes, he talks about them, he believes in them. But either it does not name the exact time, or complicates it with new conditions. First, “I quit the hated work in September.” Then, “I’ll quit in the fall.” Then “I will quit as soon as I find a new job.” Finally, “I’m too busy when I’m working. No time to search. I’ll wait until my vacation. ” The changes are postponed again and again. Again and again, another, better life is postponed. Again and again, success, well-being, happiness, joy are postponed …
How can work with a therapist help? This is perfectly expressed in one Eastern wisdom. Find strength to change, something that can be changed. Accept something that can not be changed. And to distinguish one from another. You can not change your parents, but you can change your attitude towards them. It’s hard to change your gender, body, appearance, age, but you can change your attitude to yourself. It is possible to change the relationship with the partner without changing the partner. You can get a new profession, move to another city. In fact, you can change a lot! If there is support next door, giving courage and confidence. Of course, it is important that your therapist is also not afraid of change, not only in your life, but in your life.
Remember what you dreamed of in childhood and adolescence, how did you imagine your adult life, what kind of family, what partner, what kind of work? Understand your dreams, separate reality from a fairy tale. Forgive children’s tales of a prince on a white horse, of great glory, of great deeds. See your real life! Is it really so bad? What is especially intolerable in it? And what do you even like and what have you not changed?
One day, a woman of about forty was crying for two days on the therapy group. To all questions – what is she crying about? what with her? what does it feel? etc. – it’s not that she does not answer – she simply could not respond. As if she had forgotten all the words that signify her condition, feelings and feelings. Alice, let’s call her so, was also noted for her poor health. She had a significant number of all kinds of diseases: duodenal ulcer, mastopathy, vegetovascular dystonia, migraine, varicose veins, gastritis, colitis, a lot of gynecological problems. Although she was constantly treated, the symptoms were her constant companions. It was clear that her own life did not satisfy her at all. But what is wrong with it? I kept asking myself this question, looking for answers in the history of her life, her family, her rare and meager descriptions of her own worldview. And did not find anything. Alisa had a wonderful family, a loving husband, two charming daughters. In addition, she was the only and beloved daughter of her still living parents. In the family, too, everything turned out well. Such a woman could be envied by any woman. A tall, handsome man, an officer with a scientific degree, a jack of all trades, he just wore his Alice in his arms, not giving her even a hint of an occasion for jealousy. And she continued to hurt and cry. I do not remember how, but I suddenly came up with this version.
– Alice! I asked, illuminated by the conjecture. “Correct me if I’m wrong!” The life you live in does not correspond to your youthful dreams, is not like what you dreamed of!
Hearing my words, Alisa nodded and burst into tears. And then began our work about reality. About what in this reality is not all so bad. And much is even very good. She recovered pretty quickly. Now he lives an active, busy life: he works hard, plays sports, travels. Today it is difficult to recognize the listless and flimsy Alice, whom I once met.
The second reason for the constant “postponement of life” is the desire for result and ignoring the process. Process and result are the two sides of any action. Everything that happens has its own process and its result. Unfortunately, in our life we often overestimate the value of one and downplay the meaning of the other. Aspiring to the result, we forget about the process. We enjoy the process, ignoring the result. In my opinion, both sides should be balanced and harmoniously complement each other.
Once in a dialogue with one client, we found out that it is aimed at the result and completely ignores the process. She proudly told me that at lunchtime the fastest eaten lunch and she had to wait for a certain time, when her companions finished their meal.
“Why are they so long in plates?” She was indignant. – For me, the main thing is to get enough! And again into battle! Back to work!
I drew her attention to the fact that the process of absorbing food can also bring pleasure. And then we found out that it skips not only this process. In fact, she skipped the whole process of life: she was in a hurry all the time, hurried up the days-in the morning she waited for the evening, in the evening for the morning. At 36 years old, she was waiting for her pension to go to live in the warm sea. We also talked about the process and the result, and she noted that for her the result is really very important, she is constantly striving for it. Then I asked her:
– And what do you think is the result of life?
I paused. She too was silent.
– Is not it true, the result of life – is death ?! – I concluded.
My client looked at me in silence and perplexed. But I had no other answer.
Many philosophers and scientists, already wise with their own life experience, noticed in their declining years: people think that they are most afraid of death, in fact, they are afraid of life. This was written by Kant, A. Einstein, S.L. Rubinstein and many others. So let’s Live! Live in the fullest sense of the word – feel, experience, take risks, make mistakes, fall and rise again, love and believe. Let’s stop putting off our own happiness, joy and love for an uncertain future.
Let’s start to Live, Today, Now!